This morning, when DH asked why I hadn't come to bed last night, I could only come up with two words: Massive Hurk-Fest. Oh, wait, that's three words. Or do hyphenated words count as one? Come on, grammar police, enlighten me.
Anyway, back to the Massive Hurk-Fest (which will henceforth be known as MHF - hah! I just used "henceforth" in a blog posting). It wasn't me (thankfully I haven't hurked since the recent coal removal from shower sludge debacle). This was a Bean MHF. Poor Bean is feeling a wee tad under the weather (the photo is an "after" shot). Either she has a hairball that just won't quit, or has been into the fusibles again (addict).
So, how does one define a MHF? Is it a quality thing? Or quantity? If I say quantity, does that mean I have to weight it? Uck. Is it about carpet coverage area? Or are there extra points for strategic (read "where Mom will almost definitely step in it before she notices it) placement? Or spread? Holy crap on the spread last night. Wowza, and Yikes. Yup, capitalized.
I've decided it is about quality, moreso that quantity (although low quantity can certainly disqualify the event from MHF classification, and downgrade it to "damn, the stupid frikkin' cat hurked again"). So, here is my list of the items that define Quality on the MHF Scale.
(a) Location (12) There were no less than 4 completely separate locations, and each location was a mini-fest with a minimum of three cleaning zones required. So, 3 points per clean, times 4 locations.
(b) Colour & Opacity (4) I'll give this MHF 2 points for the dark pumpkin pie tone, and another 2 points for inability to locate carpet through hurk. The bile hurks that are translucent get less points, although they may need bonus points for being substantially more difficult to locate, thus easier to find with bare feet.
(c) Escape Velocity & Effectiveness (4) Why is it that a hurking cat can suddenly relocate in mid-hurk, just when Mom arrives with a towel to catch the hurk application pre-floor? For this she gets 2 points - once for each time she wriggled out of my grasp, and escaped to hurk out of my reach.
(d) Hurk Related Expressions of Guilt(6) You're probably thinking "Six? How could Bean get a 6 for HREoG?" Well, she warned me it was coming, and it's not her fault I can't tell the difference between meowing for more food and meowing for stomach distress - she did at least try. She gave me sad and sorry kitty eyes after every single explosion of hurk. She expressed her sorryness even further by walking me from location to location (which negates the whole hiding it where I'm gonna walk without looking thing, but she gets to double dip for points on that because I'm just so dang thankful she took me on the "I'm so sorry, Mom" tour). She also sat a few feet away from me the entire time I was involved in the Hurk Removal Process, looking suitably guilty and expressing her relief that the evidence was being removed. Yup, that gives her bonus points in my book.
(e) Odor (0) Why zero? Because this one was pretty boring on the old cat vomit odor scale. She's done worse, believe me.
So, judged on ThatLoganChick's Scientific Qualification Scale for Hurk-Fests of Feline Origin, this scores a total of 26. Future postings will consist of only the term MHF, and a score. You'll know what I mean. What do you want to bet that the next time your cat (or dog, or child, or spouse) hurks, you start to grade them? Although, for dogs, a bum-scooting-across-floor scale would probably be more appropriate. Aah, the joys of pet ownership.
Ohh, sorry. Just realized this entire post is about cat barf! I guess I should have put a warning at the beginning, for those with delicate stomachs (or no ability to appreciate the joy of cat ownership and hurk-fest cleanup parties).
On a MUCH more pleasant note, these are the wild flowers that DH picked for me after a successful afternoon of fishing yesterday. Oh, and he washed all traces of fish stinkyness from himself before he came in to give me flowers and a hug. Best Spouse in World.