Monday, July 18, 2005

Nope, no Photos of the MHF

This morning, when DH asked why I hadn't come to bed last night, I could only come up with two words: Massive Hurk-Fest. Oh, wait, that's three words. Or do hyphenated words count as one? Come on, grammar police, enlighten me.

Anyway, back to the Massive Hurk-Fest (which will henceforth be known as MHF - hah! I just used "henceforth" in a blog posting). It wasn't me (thankfully I haven't hurked since the recent coal removal from shower sludge debacle). This was a Bean MHF. Poor Bean is feeling a wee tad under the weather (the photo is an "after" shot). Either she has a hairball that just won't quit, or has been into the fusibles again (addict).

So, how does one define a MHF? Is it a quality thing? Or quantity? If I say quantity, does that mean I have to weight it? Uck. Is it about carpet coverage area? Or are there extra points for strategic (read "where Mom will almost definitely step in it before she notices it) placement? Or spread? Holy crap on the spread last night. Wowza, and Yikes. Yup, capitalized.

I've decided it is about quality, moreso that quantity (although low quantity can certainly disqualify the event from MHF classification, and downgrade it to "damn, the stupid frikkin' cat hurked again"). So, here is my list of the items that define Quality on the MHF Scale.

(a) Location (12) There were no less than 4 completely separate locations, and each location was a mini-fest with a minimum of three cleaning zones required. So, 3 points per clean, times 4 locations.

(b) Colour & Opacity (4) I'll give this MHF 2 points for the dark pumpkin pie tone, and another 2 points for inability to locate carpet through hurk. The bile hurks that are translucent get less points, although they may need bonus points for being substantially more difficult to locate, thus easier to find with bare feet.

(c) Escape Velocity & Effectiveness (4) Why is it that a hurking cat can suddenly relocate in mid-hurk, just when Mom arrives with a towel to catch the hurk application pre-floor? For this she gets 2 points - once for each time she wriggled out of my grasp, and escaped to hurk out of my reach.

(d) Hurk Related Expressions of Guilt(6) You're probably thinking "Six? How could Bean get a 6 for HREoG?" Well, she warned me it was coming, and it's not her fault I can't tell the difference between meowing for more food and meowing for stomach distress - she did at least try. She gave me sad and sorry kitty eyes after every single explosion of hurk. She expressed her sorryness even further by walking me from location to location (which negates the whole hiding it where I'm gonna walk without looking thing, but she gets to double dip for points on that because I'm just so dang thankful she took me on the "I'm so sorry, Mom" tour). She also sat a few feet away from me the entire time I was involved in the Hurk Removal Process, looking suitably guilty and expressing her relief that the evidence was being removed. Yup, that gives her bonus points in my book.

(e) Odor (0) Why zero? Because this one was pretty boring on the old cat vomit odor scale. She's done worse, believe me.

So, judged on ThatLoganChick's Scientific Qualification Scale for Hurk-Fests of Feline Origin, this scores a total of 26. Future postings will consist of only the term MHF, and a score. You'll know what I mean. What do you want to bet that the next time your cat (or dog, or child, or spouse) hurks, you start to grade them? Although, for dogs, a bum-scooting-across-floor scale would probably be more appropriate. Aah, the joys of pet ownership.

Ohh, sorry. Just realized this entire post is about cat barf! I guess I should have put a warning at the beginning, for those with delicate stomachs (or no ability to appreciate the joy of cat ownership and hurk-fest cleanup parties).

On a MUCH more pleasant note, these are the wild flowers that DH picked for me after a successful afternoon of fishing yesterday. Oh, and he washed all traces of fish stinkyness from himself before he came in to give me flowers and a hug. Best Spouse in World.


Caitlin O'Connor said...

ROFLOL! And don't you believe it about dogs not doing MHF - last time I found out just where my red crayola went :-~~ erk!! You wouldn't have thought so much GACK could come outta one little poodle... but now, thanks to ThatLoganChick's handy dandy scale, I can rate the next one!

deb said...

I relate to every word of this post.
Have you checked to see if that rat thing with feathers is still around?
And which is worse, finding a hot, wet one with your bare toes or a cold, wet one with sock feet?

I no longer try to relocate a hurker since taking a wet one in the face.....

Mrs. Mel said...

I live with two massive hurkers, and now they are into peeing on throw rugs and where throw rugs used to be. More on this on today's blog.

Nikki said...

OK, I know everyone hates "helpful tips" responses to cat puke stories, but I can't help myself. Really, have you tried hairball management formula food? My Pistol cat is a black version of Bean and Peanut and the HMF food reduced the MHF from once every six days to once every six months. No more hairball yakking...just the occasional "guess I shouldn't have eaten that wool sweater" yakking.

teri springer said...

Yes...another owner of a major hurker..or, as is said in our house, horker. Lilo is a longhair so I do get horkfests...always around 3-4am when I am just too damned tired to get up and do anything about it and just out of it enough to forget to watch where I step in the morning.

And yes, my cat is on Iams hairball formula (be careful of other brands; per my vet, some have so much fiber in them as to have virtually no nutritional value) and she gets a gel for hairballs that is supposed to taste like salmon. She used to come running for it now she runs away every time she sees me reach for the tube.....I comb; I brush (she hates both) all to no avail....It is SO much easier when she horks on the wood floor. Of course, the bedroom is carpeted.....You have my sympathies.